best foot forward and all that…

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heather mills skillfully invokes the names of princess diana and the mccanns to support her plight against the british press

before

blowing it all by losing her mind over a jonathan ross gag.

bwahaahaa

the tabloid media in this country are a bunch of scumsuckers but you know what they say heather – fly with craws and all that…

smash it! smash it! smash it!!!

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i don’t know if you’ve seen the stupid ‘smash the piniata’ flash thingy that pops up all the place – but for some reason i find it totally hypnotic.
i admit, it’s not as amusing as the ‘shoot paris hilton in the forehead’ one or as outright bewildering as ‘do you like tony blair – answer yes or no to win an playstation’ but still, there’s something about it.

his slightly sinister pleading look, the metranome like sway back and forward, back and forward…

i have no interest in their non-existant ipods and yet for some reason i still just had to

smash it!!!

what’s that sound? oh, that’s gary barlow pissing himself laughing…

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so here it is the ‘long awaited’ spice girls comeback… and er… no, not really.

the song is pretty tedious allthough there is a nice section about a third of the way through where mel c takes lead and it all has a bit more oomph. other than that it’s rather flat. i know they are grown ups now but i would have much rathered a nice big pop song than a sludgy ballad. if they had wanted to appear a bit more mature they could have done something along the madonna, kylie, sugarbabes electro-pop route but this is just dull.

and the video? gosh, i hardly know where to start.

it starts with a shudderingly embarrassing shot of them all filing in like a bunch of middle-aged anne summers models at a hen night in clapham. the smug look on geri’s face makes me just about want to put a carving nife through my computer screen. once the video gets going it’s all sort of ‘high class’ writhing and bling by candle light. there is also some lightlty lesbian-esque bonding going on, though the idea of geri haliwell writhing around in sticky vicky’s lap is considerably less appealing now than it was ten years ago.

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mel c and emma equip themselves in a perfectly respectable manner and both look nice (although emma bunton and twiggy are turning into each other) but as for the other three.. eek!

geri is clearly very proud of her newest body shape because when she’s not dressed as carmen miranda she is undulating in her undies with a distictly pleased-with-herself vibe.

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mel b – one thing to say love – semi-opaque tights? NO! NO! NO! you look like a bar girl at the queen vic. or some left over eighties housewife hooker.

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to be fair victoria looks alright for most of the video, or at least as good as she can at the moment what with her leathery anorexic skin and concrete football boobs. until, that is, possibly the most terrifying moment of the whole video when she suddenly appears in this delightful enemble:

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and with that image in your minds eye, dear readers i shall leave you.